empty is a good word for what i feel like, and have been feeling like for several years. the fear of not doing anything worthwhile with my life struck me hard today. how do people just work their lives away with nothing but a boring retirement on wages no one in their right mind could live on? i'm going to be put away at this rate. my paranoia is doing nothing but getting worse. someone has been fucking with me. maybe not "out to get me" but a befuckery only known by people that are mean, smart and have way too much free times on their hands.
lots of people fit this bill. its hard not to hide anything valuable or look over my shoulder every few minutes. this crazy house i'll be in for the next year looks like nothing that would advance me further in my endeavors. help me survive from day to day, sure. maybe i won't dread the next morning so much. or get off my ass to take care of me, my environment and most of all my daughter.
it's all for her at this point.
that right there is a really shitty way to survive; in dread, i mean. inactivity and boredom are my worst enemies, ones i thought were my allies at one point. if i weren't so lazy or broke or a million other things, my life might be worth living. i guess i just have to be the best mom i can be, because she's all that's left of me that really matters. finding the shining star within sounds romantic, but is almost futile, though i would try until i'm blue in the face. nurturing her star so she doesn't face the same fate as myself is my main priority.
please don't live like this, serenity. it is my greatest wish for you that you do something fulfilling with your life, whatever that may be. in a way the your grandparents wanted for me, but i pass to you. mommy is a little too fucked up to not fuck you up, so do your best, okay? i love you, more than i could love myself or any significant other. this is not your fault.