Get Fucked

If there is one thing i can't stand, it is fake friends.  Tristan has always been questionable in my eyes in terms of trust.  he's broken it before, and i was a fool to think he wouldn't do it again.  there is always some excuse, some reason that we can't hang out or play DnD.  this has been going on for the past month.  and what's the kicker is that these pathetic excuses use to be reasons FOR playing DnD.  he's blowing me off, and what's worse he's spending that time with my ex, who has nothing good to say about me.  i never take jabs at his personal decisions or lifestyle choices, no matter how mad i am at him.  but he will be quick to judge me.  Jamie is a far better friend, but is easily influenced.  naive to a degree.  if he didn't have that child that used to be mine i would tell him to get fucked and never have dealings with him.  i don't need people like this in my life, but unfortunately if i want to be a part of Rowen's life, i have to deal with his bullshit.  and it is bullshit.  i have been seriously considering a hex, for i still have a swatch of his blood, but last time i hexed someone, someone died.  that's playing with fire, but i am so disgusted with his behavior as of late that i'm tempted to make a doll and saw off its foot.  i've already talked to him about this.  more excuses, more pathetic lies.  i'm at my wits end; he and Jamie were my only friends, and now i am alone again. 

am i really surprised? no.  how can i be?
my coffee pot broke.
my electricity is about to be turned off.
i have a compression fracture in my spine.
my dad is talking behind my back to my ex's mother, and taking her side on everything.

i wish i was dead, but i have serenity to live for.  it's not fair.
if this is a dark night of the soul, i'm waiting for things to get worse.

everybody can get fucked. i hate this town, i hate this situation... because of my injury i CAN'T go back to work, though i've been ready to take the leap and give up on disability because five years is ridiculous. 

i wish i were dead.

Believe in Strength

Through all the ups and downs of the past few months i would have never expected to be in a situation like this.  on saturday i got into a skiing accident and acquired a compression fracture on my L2 in my spine.  i am now on high dose perkaset.  the addict in my is doing its little happy dance.  the rest of me is filled with dread and pain.

my maximum dose per day is nine.  i've decided to reduce that to six. i can take three at a time, and that seems to be the only way to combat this awful agony i am in.  after talking to my supports and sponsor, i think i can get through this without stuffing a pill up my nose or taking a handful.  even if i don't believe in myself, i have lots of people who do.  what a blessing!

i've been doing a lot of goddess work with the Queen of the Underworld Ereshkeigal.  she is a sumerian goddess of severity, ordeals and death.  i looked over my shoulder and found that she has been behind me for the past five years, pushing me, cutting away that which is not necessary and testing my fortitude.  though she is a stern mistress, she gives me strength.  there is a lot of despair and crushing anxiety in my life right now, but now that i know i have her in my corner i can face these challenges and crises with grace and power.

i can do this.

i hope...