Thinking Demon

Is there a way ...
To continue on...
Without rumination?

and ... and THEN...



I'm scared to death of this love thing.  What if i fall for her? What if i already have?

What if it's what i want?

What if it's what i need?

Ow. My Soul.

0.0 because i'm terrible at talking on the phone?

i suck at this love thing.


an exerpt from letters to those i hate and those i love:


i think i had every right to be angry when you badmouth me to my girlfriend. and yes, badmouth. those are ALISHA'S words. she told me exactly what you said word for word, and i'm inclined to take her word, because it sounds right on the ball and i've known her longer than even you. even if it was just a communication error, making her cry was NOT cool, and that alone merits anger.

regardless of the fact that you take me for my flaws (which is cool, btw, i respect you for that), throwing them in my girl's face and telling her to "distance herself" and that she didn't stand a chance with me was over the line and uncalled for. both of you implied that jen and i were dating for six months, and both of you KNOW that is NOT true. it was a "relationship" on a completely different level, and its not like i didn't make that very, very, VERY clear. so there IS no analogy to be had between what happened between jen and i and what is going on between alisha and i. nate and alisha are the first "romantic" type relationships i've had since doug. alisha didn't need to "finish," because after the fact she only reiterated my words with yours. let's make this crystal clear: backstabbing (yes, this is BACKSTABBING ON YOUR PART) is not something friends do. i will not call names, i will not tolerate drama (which lets face it, this is drama in the worst sense); i am telling you that i am ANGRY and exactly WHY.

i'm not trying to burn any bridges here, but there is a difference between giving the benefit of a doubt and being naive. and i'm tired of being treated as if i were naive. if there is to be continued friendship or even contact, i feel some words need to be exchanged (i'll take about 30% of that one), and quickly.
and to the one i love...
i wanted to tell you what was going on inside of my head, regardless of whether its right or wrong, whether you or i agree with it or the rationality of it.

i don't want to lose you. it kills me that i've dragged you into all this drama, despite the fact that i just got done telling you that drama isn't my bag. it makes me a real hypocrit. i want... fuck, i don't know what i want, i don't know who i am (though i might know who i WANT to be) and i don't want to push defining myself onto you (though you make a wonderful lens ... that's a compliment lol).

yeah, i'm pretty psycho with the whole bipolar/borderline personality thing, and that makes it really hard to see things from an emotionally unbiased point of view. i'm trying really hard, but i guess sometimes it's just not enough to not fly off the handle when i feel threatened. don't ever let me go off the cuff with you -- bitchslap me if you must. i'd like to think i wouldn't, and i never have but lately i'm scared of lashing out on people i care about. put me in my place if i say something out of line, because i would never intentionally hurt you.

you make me want to try this whole love thing again, even though it scares the living shit out of me. you shake the numb off, and its wonderful and terrible at the same time.

man, i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about anymore, i think i got off track, but that's what's rattling around my head, and i thought i should share.

i love you
~Carmen, your Shining Star

Stop the World, I Wanna Get Off

i wanna get off.  i wanna orgasm in a way that will make the world fall to pieces.  i want the world to go away and just stop right where it is.  things aren't perfect, far from it! but i'm afraid to progress.  i'm afraid that if things go any further, it will just hurt more.  i understand that without hurt there can be no joy, but man, where's the balancing factor in all of this? i feel i've been hurt way more than i've been happy.  i'm sick of being burned.  i'm sick of getting fucked over.  i wanna curl up into a little ball and die.  i get laid for the first time in months, fall in love with everything but the actual real thing about the dude and he's leaving. LEAVING. what the eff, life? cut me a break! now a chick i haven't seen since highschool is all in my business (in a very good way) but i'm paralyzed with terror.  just what the hell am i supposed to do when taking the past into account in making sound judgments? go live in a cave as a hermit for the rest of my days?

man that sounds appealing...

all i can do is stare wide eyed as things just ... happen.  i can't control them.  the universe is trying to cram itself inside of my head.  can't it hold still for two seconds so i can sort all this crap out???



w00tage ^_^