What's with you, my lips, you hardly smile When the smiles smother A moonlit face no sooner Had it shimmered Then it was shrouded By a cloud in my mind Averting my sight Away and up to another face On which countenance A hope and a wish Are never in coincidence
i can't wait for my favorite holiday, let alone the fact that i'll be a year older when it finally rolls around. another year come by, and another year to come, all in one day. it is truly a magickal experience that i relish every year. a time for closure. a time for honor. a time for the death of the old and the birth of the new.
Or rather trying to cram itself inside of my head. Ten million ideas all at once, assaulting my senses, overloading my thoughts and derailing everything I know of logic and its counterpart, common sense. I can't possibly continue to push forward into the chaos that is my mind, but I am compelled to, like a moth to a flame. There is something bigger to all of this, and all i have to do is remember... just remember!
i'm sure a plethora of things can contribute to a feeling of helplessness and despair. i don't really care to get into them at the moment. i'd like to think they're not overwhelming or all consuming. but sometimes they are. i'm not to terribly sure what the hell i think i'm doing, putting my heart on the line again like this. it's a double sided blade, really, and i hurt as much as i am hurting without realizing it.
i wish i could see when i'm about to say something stupid or hurtful ahead of time. it'd sure make things a hell of a lot easier.
somehow i get this dreadful feeling that this won't work. i want to brace for it, but it would certainly put on a colder air that she would notice. so i think i'll go willingly headlong into something that i know is going to hurt and hurt bad. its like ciel asking sebastian to be as brutal as he can possibly be to etch upon his existence that his life mattered.
an exerpt from letters to those i hate and those i love:
i think i had every right to be angry when you badmouth me to my girlfriend. and yes, badmouth. those are ALISHA'S words. she told me exactly what you said word for word, and i'm inclined to take her word, because it sounds right on the ball and i've known her longer than even you. even if it was just a communication error, making her cry was NOT cool, and that alone merits anger.
regardless of the fact that you take me for my flaws (which is cool, btw, i respect you for that), throwing them in my girl's face and telling her to "distance herself" and that she didn't stand a chance with me was over the line and uncalled for. both of you implied that jen and i were dating for six months, and both of you KNOW that is NOT true. it was a "relationship" on a completely different level, and its not like i didn't make that very, very, VERY clear. so there IS no analogy to be had between what happened between jen and i and what is going on between alisha and i. nate and alisha are the first "romantic" type relationships i've had since doug. alisha didn't need to "finish," because after the fact she only reiterated my words with yours. let's make this crystal clear: backstabbing (yes, this is BACKSTABBING ON YOUR PART) is not something friends do. i will not call names, i will not tolerate drama (which lets face it, this is drama in the worst sense); i am telling you that i am ANGRY and exactly WHY.
i'm not trying to burn any bridges here, but there is a difference between giving the benefit of a doubt and being naive. and i'm tired of being treated as if i were naive. if there is to be continued friendship or even contact, i feel some words need to be exchanged (i'll take about 30% of that one), and quickly.
and to the one i love...
i wanted to tell you what was going on inside of my head, regardless of whether its right or wrong, whether you or i agree with it or the rationality of it.
i don't want to lose you. it kills me that i've dragged you into all this drama, despite the fact that i just got done telling you that drama isn't my bag. it makes me a real hypocrit. i want... fuck, i don't know what i want, i don't know who i am (though i might know who i WANT to be) and i don't want to push defining myself onto you (though you make a wonderful lens ... that's a compliment lol).
yeah, i'm pretty psycho with the whole bipolar/borderline personality thing, and that makes it really hard to see things from an emotionally unbiased point of view. i'm trying really hard, but i guess sometimes it's just not enough to not fly off the handle when i feel threatened. don't ever let me go off the cuff with you -- bitchslap me if you must. i'd like to think i wouldn't, and i never have but lately i'm scared of lashing out on people i care about. put me in my place if i say something out of line, because i would never intentionally hurt you.
you make me want to try this whole love thing again, even though it scares the living shit out of me. you shake the numb off, and its wonderful and terrible at the same time.
man, i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about anymore, i think i got off track, but that's what's rattling around my head, and i thought i should share.
i wanna get off. i wanna orgasm in a way that will make the world fall to pieces. i want the world to go away and just stop right where it is. things aren't perfect, far from it! but i'm afraid to progress. i'm afraid that if things go any further, it will just hurt more. i understand that without hurt there can be no joy, but man, where's the balancing factor in all of this? i feel i've been hurt way more than i've been happy. i'm sick of being burned. i'm sick of getting fucked over. i wanna curl up into a little ball and die. i get laid for the first time in months, fall in love with everything but the actual real thing about the dude and he's leaving. LEAVING. what the eff, life? cut me a break! now a chick i haven't seen since highschool is all in my business (in a very good way) but i'm paralyzed with terror. just what the hell am i supposed to do when taking the past into account in making sound judgments? go live in a cave as a hermit for the rest of my days?
man that sounds appealing...
all i can do is stare wide eyed as things just ... happen. i can't control them. the universe is trying to cram itself inside of my head. can't it hold still for two seconds so i can sort all this crap out???
i am stitching myself together with tentative hope, wary forgiveness and a desire to put my feet on the ground and not fall flat on my face. People are going through that "hey they aren't so bad..." phase, but the pessimist side of me assures that it is only a matter of time before they let me down again. i suppose i will enjoy their company until they become unbearable again.
he isn't gaining weight. pediatrician declares i may have thin milk, and has put Rowen on an all formula diet. I can pump to keep my supply up if that isn't the case....
I don't want to think about the consequences if this isn't the case.
If it's not me, then he has some kind of absorption problem, and who knows what kind of drastic measures are going to be needed in order to make sure he survives?? I don't like to think that I'm the issue... but if i'm not...
Is this because of the pot early on??? Have I doomed this child to a life of sub-par existence? Or worse... death?
sometimes i put down a book or stop watching a show because i don't want the plot to progress any further. i like the characters the way they are, the plot is at a point where they could exist indefinitely in their current state and time can freeze-frame them on those pages/episodes with no bearing on the future (this is a common setting for most fanfictions). to develop the plot or the characters any further would induce irreversible change, and as we all know, change is as scary as it is exhilarating. it's almost like i don't trust the author to take the story in a direction i would like.
life can sometimes feel the same way in a surreal sort of sense. i want to hit save then stop playing the game before something bad (or worse!) occurs and flips everything upsidown (again). Right here, right now, sitting in this hospital, i'm a million miles away from reality. my biggest problem right now is the excruciating pain i experience when standing to use the bathroom facilities. the move is a far away thing that occurred outside my sphere of influence. i'll just walk into my new apartment tomorrow and start unpacking. like everything is fine.
it's not fine.
this child has no father. not even a male role model to look up to. not like i want tony anywhere near this kid anyway, now that i know what kind of sorry assed loser he really is. i just want him to take some goddamn responsibility. he can't run away and pretend it didn't happen. it makes me furious to think that he's out somewhere having a drink, rolling a blunt or socializing with his friends. guess what, asshat? remember me? the one you got pregnant and left? she can't do any of those things for at least the next two years. and neither should you, dick, you should be right here changing diapers and cleaning up messes left and right with me. no, it's all on my shoulders now. free time = 0.0003746 minutes a day. how am i going to have time to shower? sleep? eat? with serenity at the tender age of 3, she is virtually no help at all, in fact, far more a hindrance. how will i ever have time to let he know that she's a great kid? to play with HER and let HER know that i love her? its not fair to either of them, or any of the people that i ask for help (they have they're own lives you know, and can only donate so much time...)
life, just pause. stop. i'll press play some other time, but right now, i just want to lay in my perkaset stupor with a beautiful baby boy on my chest and exist in my bubble.
i'm a little at a loss as to what to feel. i'm overwhelmed. i'm calm. i'm in a daze. i'm ecstatic (fanmail! wee!) i'm exhausted. i'm in pain. i'm still a tad sick. i'm frustrated. i'm anxious. i'm lonely. i'm content to be lonely. all in all... mostly just ... surreal.
I hate traditional holidays. I don't celebrate them because they have no meaning to me. They are terribly biased in a Christian manner, and as I am NOT a Christian, I don't see any point in partaking other than a social nicety, which I am less and less inclined to indulge in lately. Especially holidays that are a total rip-off of what my religion celebrates. Namely the spring equinox Oestara. Don't get me started on Yule.
And yet I drag myself through the torture every year of seeing my pretentious aunts and uncles and listen to them talk about how cool they are, how much money they make and how republican bent their ideals are. It's all I can do not to knock someone across the face over dinner. (You SUPPORT fracking?!!) But Serenity gets presents. I do it for her sake I guess. Gods know why I did it before... ... oh yeah, to spite my father. Kind of like saying "Haha, I'm just as much an outcast as you, but I get to attend family functions! IN UR FAIS!" Not even that really holds weight anymore. I'm too tired to hate him anymore, so I just shrugged and forgave him. Not worth it, just not worth it at all.
It's almost like giving up and giving in. I don't want to fight with them about not going or depriving them time with my daughter (MINE, not YOURS), so I just go. I'm too tired, too depressed and too annoyed to put up any resistance. Fuck em.
Grant's facebook status put it best. "simple pleasures. very simple some days." "like choking someone?" "yes. like choking someone. that would be a simple pleasure." Every single thing is pissing me the fuck off today. I want people to go fuck themselves and leave me alone. Wish the world would blow up or something.
I am beside myself in irritation. Moving. Childbirth. Healthcare. Money. Utter bullshit. I want to close my eyes and make the world just go away. I would just love to go to Tibet or something and lock myself away in some sort of monastery to spend the rest of my days in quiet contemplation of the universe. Vow of silence. Just give me satellite internet and I'm golden.
Kicked the cat today. Yelled at Serenity. I said I was sorry to both. Hope she understood. I'm pretty sure the cat didn't, but he'll get over it. Fuck, even online people are pissing me off. Enablers. Enablers of enablers. Horny asshats. Needy ones at that. Social hauntings. God people suck. Why do I need social interaction? I end up hating it every time.
You know... the world in my head is SO much more interesting...
i'm not sure what i want. i don't know if i ever knew. uncertainty. tension. future unknown. stability questionable. i'm ... overwhelmed. i wanna curl up and die, but i can't, i have a responsibility to my children, my beautiful children whom i love so very, very much...
a friend of mine committed suicide a month or two ago. my reaction was selfish. it wasn't "oh my god, poor ben!" it was, " where the fuck do you get off, buddy? lucky son of a bitch. if you'd had responsibility you wouldn't have. how come you get to go off yourself? what gave you the privilege? fuck you."