i'm sure a plethora of things can contribute to a feeling of helplessness and despair. i don't really care to get into them at the moment. i'd like to think they're not overwhelming or all consuming. but sometimes they are. i'm not to terribly sure what the hell i think i'm doing, putting my heart on the line again like this. it's a double sided blade, really, and i hurt as much as i am hurting without realizing it.
i wish i could see when i'm about to say something stupid or hurtful ahead of time. it'd sure make things a hell of a lot easier.
somehow i get this dreadful feeling that this won't work. i want to brace for it, but it would certainly put on a colder air that she would notice. so i think i'll go willingly headlong into something that i know is going to hurt and hurt bad. its like ciel asking sebastian to be as brutal as he can possibly be to etch upon his existence that his life mattered.
as if it really did.
as if i could.