i'm not sure what i want.  i don't know if i ever knew.  uncertainty. tension.  future unknown. stability questionable.  i'm ... overwhelmed.  i wanna curl up and die, but i can't, i have a responsibility to my children, my beautiful children whom i love so very, very much...

a friend of mine committed suicide a month or two ago.  my reaction was selfish.  it wasn't "oh my god, poor ben!" it was, " where the fuck do you get off, buddy? lucky son of a bitch. if you'd had responsibility you wouldn't have. how come you get to go off yourself? what gave you the privilege? fuck you."


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