Fear. Fear and Resentment

I don't want today to end.  I don't want tomorrow to come, and I wish that tonight could have lasted forever.  Well, some parts of it anyway.  I do enjoy being mistaken for a guy, and my dates were lovely.  The music kinda sucked, but we had fun dancing anyway.  

But even though I have important things to do tomorrow and I can't wait to see my daughter again, closing the book on this day is an anxious mess. I don't want to sleep because I don't want to dream.  Nightmares lately anyway.  I could try and stay awake all night, but then I'll be a wet noodle tomorrow, and I have obligations.

I can feel the past gnawing on the present, and the future looming in, just like it does every day.  Maybe I'm just lonely.  If I don't have anyone around to be with, I have to be with myself.  Try as I might, I still can't stand spending time with myself.  Now "by myself" is not when I write.  My characters and they're nuances keep me company.  I am truly alone when I can't write, everyone is asleep and the only counselor on duty is far more interested in the TV and a midnight nap than me.

It could be that I just like sleeping during the day.

I miss her.  My ex that is.  She was the biggest bitch on the face of the planet to me, but when the good times were good, they were really fucking GOOD.  But that ship has sailed.  I'm hoping Nate is just how I remember him and not some sociophobe with mommy issues.  I have to trust him.  It's hard.

Maybe my meds just haven't kicked in yet.  Yeah, that could be it.

I'm losing my vision.  My far vision has always been shit, but it's getting worse.  My reading vision used to be pristine, and now it's shot to all hell.  I can't even see without enough light my night vision is so bad.  My hands tremble like a leaf in the wind.  Manual dextrous tasks are now daunting.  Typing.  Silverware.  Pill tops.  Pencils.  Buttons.  All new challenges as my body (or brain) deteriorates for some unsung reason.  Being an artist or author isn't possible without my vision or my hands.  The two things I need the most right now are failing me.

I should get a pet.  They're easy compared to people.

I should stop trying to make myself feel one way or another.  It's hard to decline affections when I am so starved of intimate contact.  I guess I just don't want to ever be alone.  And if that means I have to say "I love you," it's almost a shoe in.  I try not to lie, but significant others get touchy about that word if it's not said enough in combination, as they appear in order.  Not backwards.  Not upsidown,  Dial the fucking number.

/end blockhead

Goddamn, if only I could.... *sigh* ... fuck it.


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