i'm a little at a loss as to what to feel. i'm overwhelmed. i'm calm. i'm in a daze. i'm ecstatic (fanmail! wee!) i'm exhausted. i'm in pain. i'm still a tad sick. i'm frustrated. i'm anxious. i'm lonely. i'm content to be lonely. all in all... mostly just ... surreal.
I hate traditional holidays. I don't celebrate them because they have no meaning to me. They are terribly biased in a Christian manner, and as I am NOT a Christian, I don't see any point in partaking other than a social nicety, which I am less and less inclined to indulge in lately. Especially holidays that are a total rip-off of what my religion celebrates. Namely the spring equinox Oestara. Don't get me started on Yule.
And yet I drag myself through the torture every year of seeing my pretentious aunts and uncles and listen to them talk about how cool they are, how much money they make and how republican bent their ideals are. It's all I can do not to knock someone across the face over dinner. (You SUPPORT fracking?!!) But Serenity gets presents. I do it for her sake I guess. Gods know why I did it before... ... oh yeah, to spite my father. Kind of like saying "Haha, I'm just as much an outcast as you, but I get to attend family functions! IN UR FAIS!" Not even that really holds weight anymore. I'm too tired to hate him anymore, so I just shrugged and forgave him. Not worth it, just not worth it at all.
It's almost like giving up and giving in. I don't want to fight with them about not going or depriving them time with my daughter (MINE, not YOURS), so I just go. I'm too tired, too depressed and too annoyed to put up any resistance. Fuck em.
Grant's facebook status put it best. "simple pleasures. very simple some days." "like choking someone?" "yes. like choking someone. that would be a simple pleasure." Every single thing is pissing me the fuck off today. I want people to go fuck themselves and leave me alone. Wish the world would blow up or something.
I am beside myself in irritation. Moving. Childbirth. Healthcare. Money. Utter bullshit. I want to close my eyes and make the world just go away. I would just love to go to Tibet or something and lock myself away in some sort of monastery to spend the rest of my days in quiet contemplation of the universe. Vow of silence. Just give me satellite internet and I'm golden.
Kicked the cat today. Yelled at Serenity. I said I was sorry to both. Hope she understood. I'm pretty sure the cat didn't, but he'll get over it. Fuck, even online people are pissing me off. Enablers. Enablers of enablers. Horny asshats. Needy ones at that. Social hauntings. God people suck. Why do I need social interaction? I end up hating it every time.
You know... the world in my head is SO much more interesting...
i'm not sure what i want. i don't know if i ever knew. uncertainty. tension. future unknown. stability questionable. i'm ... overwhelmed. i wanna curl up and die, but i can't, i have a responsibility to my children, my beautiful children whom i love so very, very much...
a friend of mine committed suicide a month or two ago. my reaction was selfish. it wasn't "oh my god, poor ben!" it was, " where the fuck do you get off, buddy? lucky son of a bitch. if you'd had responsibility you wouldn't have. how come you get to go off yourself? what gave you the privilege? fuck you."